The Real Sailor Mercury
by Songficcer
Summary: A drunk Ami makes for some interesting entertainment.


The Real Sailor Mercury   
WARNING!!! This is a song fic...BUT, I changed the lyrics to the song. The song is Emeinm's. It's called 'The Real Slim Shady'. Now, before you go and flame me, the only reason I changed the lyrics was because I like the song. That, and I was on a reall bad a sugar high...Anyway, please don't flame me for it, k? I don't own the song(despite the fact I changed it!) or SM.   
  
The girls along with Darien headed for a college party on the campus of Darien's school. They pulled up into a parking lot filled with other cars and began to walk to the Frat House.  
As they walked up to the walkway, Rei began to tease Serena about her drinking habits.  
"Don't forget, Meatball Head. No drinking!"   
"Screw you, Pyro! I'll drink all I want. I'm 18."   
"Sorry, Sere," Rei chimed in. "Legal drinking age is 21!"   
"Leave her alone, Rei," Lita said. "Besides, I remember the last frat party we went to, you were drunker than a mule drinking whiskey!"   
Rei looked at her. "Where the hell did you hear that!?"   
"Movie." Rei rolled her eyes.   
"I was only a little drunk. Nothing compared to Serena." Rei reached the door first. "So, we ready?" The others nodded. And they entered to be greeted by loud music and the smell of alcahol...   
Around 11:30, the girls had at least two drinks. Even Serena who would usually get drunk. Before they decided to leave, they each would sing a song on the karoke machine someone had brought with them. The girls, one by one, went up and sung a song. When they finished, they had noticed that Ami was missing.   
"Where's Ami," Lita asked, coming down from the makeshift stage.   
"Dunno," Mina said. "I haven't seen her since Serena went up."   
"And that was a little over thirty minutes ago," Darien said. "I wonder where she could have went." Thats when they heard her voice over the speakers. Looking up, they saw Ami with the mic in her hand...   
May I have your attention please?  
May I have your attention please?  
Will the real Sailor Mercury please stand up?  
I repeat will the real Sailor Mercury please stand up?  
We're going to have a problem here...   
  
Ya'll act like you never seen a white person before  
jaws all on the floor like Zoicite and Nephlite just burst in the door  
started whoopin her ass worse than before  
they first get divorced throwing her over furniture   
It's the return of the  
"Oh wait, no way, your kidding, she didn't just say what I think she did, did   
she?"  
And Sailor Jupiter said  
....Nothing you idiots Sailor Jupiter's dead, she's locked in my basement   
Feminist men love Dr. Ami  
Chicka chicka chicka Sailor Mercury I'm sick of her   
look at her, walking around grabbing her you know what  
humpin' to you know who "yeah, but she's so cute though"  
Yea I probably got a couple of screws up in my head loose  
but no worse than what's going on in your parent's bedrooms  
Sometimes I wanna get on TV and just let loose,  
but can't, but its cool for Sailor V to hump a dead moose  
my bum is on your lips, my bum is on your lips  
and if I'm lucky you might just give it a little kiss  
and that's the message that we deliver to little kids  
and expect them not to know what a womens clitoris is.  
Of course they gonna know what intercourse is  
by the time they hit 4th grade,  
they got the discovery channel don't they?  
We ain't nothing but mammals; well some of us cannibals  
who cut other people open like cantaloupes.  
But if we can hump dead animals and antelopes  
then there's no reason that a man and another man can't elope  
But if you feel like I feel I got the antidote.  
Women wave your panty hoes, sing the chorus and it goes...  
  
I'm Sailor Mercury  
Yes I'm the real Mercury  
All you other Sailor Mercury's are just imitating  
So won't the real Sailor Mercury...  
Please stand up, Please stand up, Please stand up  
becuase I'm Sailor Mercury   
Yes I'm the real Mercury  
All you other Sailor Mercury's are just imitating  
So won't the real Sailor Mercury...  
Please stand up, Please stand up, Please stand up  
  
Well, Chad don't gotta cuss in his raps to sell records  
Well I do, so fuck him and fuck you too.  
You think I give a damm about a Grammy?  
Half of you critics can't even stomach me, let alone stand me.  
"But Merc what if u win wouldn't it be weird?"  
Why? So you guys can just lie to get me here?  
So you can sit me here next to Sailor Moon?  
Shit, Sailor Mars better switch me chairs  
So I can sit next to Jedite and Tuxedo Mask  
And hear 'em argue over who she gave head to first.  
Little bitch put me on blast on the school TV  
"yeah she's cute but I think she's a geek, hehe"  
I should download her audio on mp3  
And show the whole world how you gave Dr. Ami V.D.  
I'm sick of you little nega moonies all you do is annoy me  
So I've been sent here to destroy you  
And theres a million of us just like me  
Who cuss like me  
Who just don't give a fuck like me  
Who dress like me  
Walk, talk and act like me  
It just might be the next best thing  
But not quite me  
  
I'm Sailor Mercury  
Yes I'm the real Mercury  
All you other Sailor Mercury's are just imitating  
So won't the real Sailor Mercury...  
Please stand up, Please stand up, Please stand up  
becuase I'm Sailor Mercury   
Yes I'm the real Mercury  
All you other Sailor Mercury's are just imitating  
So won't the real Sailor Mercury...  
Please stand up, Please stand up, Please stand up  
  
I'm like a headtrip to listen to  
Cause I'm only giving you  
things you joke about with your friends inside your living room  
The only difference is I got the balls to say it in front of ya'll  
And I don't gotta be false or sugar coated at all  
I just get on the mic and spit it  
And whether you like to admit it   
I just shit it better than 90% of you rappers out there  
Then you wonder how can kidz eat up these albums like valiums.  
Its funny cuz at the rate im going when I'm 30  
Ill be the only person in the nursing home flirty.  
Pinching nurses asses when I'm finerin' with Jergens and I'm jerking  
But this whole bag of weed isn't working  
And every single person is a Sailor Mercury lurkin'  
She could be workin at Burger King spitten on your onion rings  
Or in the parking lot circling  
screaming I don't give a fuck  
With her windows down and system up  
So will the real Mercury, please stand up  
and put one of those fingures on each hand up  
and to be proud to be outta your mind and outta control  
and one more time, loud as you can, how does it go?  
  
I'm Sailor Mercury  
Yes I'm the real Mercury  
All you other Sailor Mercury's are just imitating  
So won't the real Sailor Mercury...  
Please stand up, Please stand up, Please stand up  
becuase I'm Sailor Mercury   
Yes I'm the real Mercury  
All you other Sailor Mercury's are just imitating  
So won't the real Sailor Mercury...  
Please stand up, Please stand up, Please stand up  
  
Ami shot up out of her bed, swaety and a nervous wreck. She felt dizzy and that nightmare of her singing in front of those people...And she was drunk to top it all off! She'd never do that. Looking to her left, she saw Lita next to her in the bed. Hearing snoring she looked over into the floor. There was Serena, Rei and Mina asleep in sleeping bags.   
"How are you feeling?" Ami jumped and looked to her left and saw Lita awake.   
"I feel fine. alittle sick to my stomach, thats all."   
Lita smiled and laid back down. "Doesn't surprise me..."   
Ami smiled and also laid back down. " And why is that?"   
Lita laughed. "You were the drunkest of us all..."   
"Oh, yeah..." Ami said, as if she were remembering the scene.   
Eyes shooting back open, Ami screamed, "WHAT!?"   



End file.
